i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
