this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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