new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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