dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
