i love accidental penises.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
