if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
