my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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