the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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