i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
