4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
