What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
