Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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