I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
