I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
When are your genitals available?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
