i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I see more hoeing in ur future
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
