i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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