all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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