at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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