Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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