I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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