I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
