at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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