yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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