We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize