I wish my penis had an off switch
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Randomize
