I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
