my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
