He told me they were just razor bumps!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
