my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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