Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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