Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
