I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
that may or may not have been my penis.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
