At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
