That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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