I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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