Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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