ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
