Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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