Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
