is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Randomize
