You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
