One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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