you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
