When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I smell like Dick and happiness
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