i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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