if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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