Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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