I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
