It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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