new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
