dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
