she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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