I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize