I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
