K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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