mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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