people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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