I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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