roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
